How to Make Love Work8 August, 2010 at 14:56 | Posted in Body & Mind | 2 Comments
Tags: Body & Mind, psychology, relationships
Longing for the perfect love … and longing for to be perfect. I see more and more how this is linked, reflecting a fear of being abandoned and not being good enough.
We can do things in a good way, being careful and have high quality in what we create, but if this desire is driven by an underlying emotional imbalance… That is when we burn ourselves out and being capable turns into something destructive. Our desire for the perfect love then becomes really a cover up for deeper emotional needs we haven’t had met and will also be a breeding ground for discontent and intolerance for our partners.
Hollywood and the world of films add unrealistic expectations to our dreams… Relationships are really one of the best ways to get to know oneself and to see ones own weaknesses, if one is willing to see them.
When I was a little child my mother was for a period unable to take care of me due to unfortunate circumstances in life. That created a feeling of insecurity and a need for control within me. When I have talked to adopted children about relationships and security issues they often have had similar feelings as myself and this strong fear of being left and abandoned.
We often develop a rejection or insecure attachment pattern when going through emotional difficulties as a child. I can recognize both patterns within me, but one of them I tend to cling to as a self-defense pattern. These patterns are of the utmost importance that one work with in oneself, in order to be able to have more healthy and loving relationships. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a key.
Five Tips: How to make love work
1 Start by looking within yourself. What within you has created a destructive pattern and what can you do to change it.
2 Be grateful for what you have. Instead of focusing on errors in the other, find three things that you enjoy with your partner. It gives you a constructive focus and you brings you to the here and now.
3 Acceptance is the door to love. Accept that what you do not accept. For example your body, your partner’s socks on the floor or that your partner does not want to talk about feelings.
4 Learn to forgive. Decide to be bigger than your sob story.
5 Find something that makes you and your partner happy. For instance, tango, a new restaurant or time together.
via the Swedish article: Den ”enda rätta” finns inte – DN.se